You got SPAM on my penis!

At least it made my Junk Mail folder grow!

I’ve had my current personal email address for about two years, and it’s been almost SPAM free. Until the last two months. Now I’m getting two or three a day . . . and they’re almost all for penile enlargement. A lesser monkey might get a little paranoid about that, but I figure we can’t ALL be Scott Baio.

Now, I actually don’t begrudge these bastards anything for selling their product. I figure any idiot dumb enough to believe that their little magic pills will work is deserving of being taken advantage of. But then I started looking at the ones I was getting, and damn if some of the subject lines weren’t as funny as hell. I saved a few . . . then a few more . . . soon, I’m actually looking forward to checking my SPAM folder every day, just waiting to see what they came up with for me.

So, I’m laughing my ass off this weekend, and decided I should share them with you. Each of these is an actual Subject line from one of the SPAM’s. The misspellings are intentional . . . it’s a game the SPAM folks play to get through all the filtering that ISP’s set up to block the SPAM. The bad grammar? Just a sign that once again our friends in the Orient are leading the way in bombarding us with crap we don’t need. Of course, do you really want to orally ingest something made by a company that can’t hire a decent translator for their marketing department? I’m thinking Quality Control might not be job one at the penis pill factory.

And just remember – these ads actually work! Some poor mouth-breathing moron out there is clicking on one of these right now, thinking he’s just a few little pills away from a “substantial volume of man meat” that will help him get the ladies. Then again, I guess some chicks like a guy who’s dick is bigger than his IQ . . . Tommy Lee gets laid, and he’s a drummer!

I was gonna whittle these down to a smaller number, but then I figured . . . to hell with it, maybe bigger really IS better!

Tiny dic’k can never attract woman’s attention

Sure it can . . . Tom Cruise attracts attention, and he’s a tiny dick . . .

Kindle a passion in her heart with your magic stick

Magic stick. But wait . . . it gets better!

Better s’e_x means better health! What to do if your pen!s is too small?

Hear her screaming when you pound her wet twat with your new huge schlong

And they say romance is dead?

Huge male package is what all women dream about

Hot babes turn up their noses at small dic’ks

Your wife will always crave for your new big rod

All sweet flowers succumb to big rod

Sorry, I like “magic stick” better.

Rarely will you meet a girl who would say she likes small dic’ks

Ma’am, I’m conducting a survey . . .

Enter the world of boundless sensual enjoyments with a new big pen!s!

Ask us how to achieve your true manhood. We’ve got an answer!

There’s no need to enumerate all the advantages of the bigger pen!s

Really? No need? And yet, I have this long list of ways you HAVE enumerated the advantages of the bigger pen!s. Now I’m confused.

There are no losers among the possessors of long dic’ks. Now you can be one of them!

No losers? What about Tommy Lee?

Massive rod is what you need to make your beloved lady adore you!

Nah, she’ll still want diamonds . . .

Obtaining huge dic’k has become unbelievably real!

My wife adores my big dic’k, and yours?

Yes, your wife adores my big dic’k too!

True masculinity is impossible without a substantial volume of male meat

I could go into a whole rant about “true masculinity”, but I’m laughing too hard at substantial volume of male meat.

Women agree that guys with a small dik give the worst s’e_x ever! So why not change it?

Feel a true renovation of all your senses with a new bigger phallus!

You mean I’ll have better vision? Will food taste better too?

She’s so appealing… What a pity you’ve got such a small dic’k!

As your dic’k gets larger, no woman will say “no”

I think if she hasn’t said “yes” before you show it to her, you just might get arrested.

Take a challenge of a penile size competition and win with our wonder-med!cine!

Is this a new reality show on FOX?

Don’t let them treat you as a small-dic’ked loser!

Add extra inches to the length of your little soldier of love!

“Little soldier of love”? Nope . . . “magic stick” is still in the lead.

Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants!

Uhhhhhhh . . . I don’t even know where to start . . .

With bigger dic’k you will stimulate more special hidden spots inside female vag!na

Don’t let ladies prefer dildo to you !

Just imagine, that your meat stick suddenly becomes longer

Meat Stick? I think we have a winner!

And then I found it. The Holy Grail of penis SPAM. Much to my suprise, one of these little gems contained . . . POETRY!

At last you’ve got a girl that’s hot
You wanna screw her juicy twat.
She’s full of passion, she’s so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will long for more?
You need a thing she would adore!
But how to grow it long and thick?
Your only chance is MegaDik!
You’ll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your schlong will slam her box so deep,
Tonight you’ll hardly fall asleep!

Now that’s a love poem. Fuck you, Elizabeth Barrett Browning!

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