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Worst Canadian Bands of All Time

Eh, Canada?


Canada has given the world many cool things. Rush, Triumph, Bret Hart, hockey, John Candy, Margaret Trudeau . . . and back bacon. MMMMMM, back bacon. They’ve also given us a few things the world might have been better off without. We addressed that issue once before (Thank You Canada.Not!), and at the time I thought we had done quite well. But Canada has given us another gift, the lovely and talented David Newbould. And David felt like he had his own spin on the issue. And if I’m going to make fun of Canadians, then it’s only fair that I let a Canadian make fun of Canadians! We’re all about equality here at the CyberMonkey lair.

David Newbould!

David is a long time friend of the CyberMonkeyDeathSquad, and he’s one of the most promising singer/songwriters in the business today. If you’ve never heard him, you owe it to yourself to check him out. Best place to start? His website, where you can listen tons of his stuff, studio and live cuts. Ladies, gentlemen, and Monkey’s of all ages, I give you our most recent guest columnist . . . David Newbould!

Nickelback

I was in a store buying groceries the other day, when I suddenly found myself scratching my skin incessantly, with a twitch in my jaw, and with an irksome desire to turn all of my fellow gastronomically inclined brothers and sisters into bitter, lifelong enemies. It felt like I was Rush Limbaugh, and to me they were all Nelson Mandela. I then realized Nickelback had come on over the sound system. Soon this discombobulation turned to anger, rage, the inevitable hate. I thought if I could just get the plutonium put of the warehouse, past the guards, overtop the poutine weilding protesters. Some time passed, I was standing in the aisle, talking to my wire shopping cart. It was sunny inside there, on that cold July Brasil day, thunder and lightning coming down like a ton of golden bricks. Tom Cruise floated overhead in his spaceship, a hybrid.

Before it could start getting illogical, the sonic output of this trend-clinging band of mental orangutans mercifully came to an end. Nickelback – hands down, the worst lyrics, production, jeans, hair, singing (sic), guitar playing, sucking-the-good-out-of-a-moment, time wasting, lunkhead.trash.homewrecking.just the worst of all time. From any band, any time, anywhere. And I’ve never even seen an interview.

With the possible exception of Mexico’s La Ley . You need to search them out..though those guys at least get some “Damn Yankees Featuring Ted Nugent Points” for comic relief.

Celine Dion

One day the citizens of the globe are going to listen back to these shallow, intelligence-insulting,
inconceivable disease-inducing atrocities, and wonder what dust cloud of cultural ineptitude humanity must have swathed itself into that would have possessed them to fund a notable percentage of their global economy through promotion and attendance of these aural bloodbaths, er.concerts, and filling their lush home entertainment units with such waste. Canada’s answer to Kenny G., right here, folks. On behalf of every “eh“-saying, Aldo Nova listening, “C” grade TV show watching, hockey playing person from Canada….sorry!! (PS. Go Leafs!)

-Next comes one of the most useless, insulting, wanna-be bunch of lump ass..oh, Creed’s not from Canada? Sorry. I’ll move on.

Alanis Morrisette

Not only the ultimate human fingernail on a chalkboard, but rates even worse because so many well minded and balanced people (except me!) seemed to fall for it (think Oasis, George W Bush, or Friends). Do you ever get the sense when she is looking at the camera that in actuality she is trying to convince you there are deep, intelligent Buddha drawn colours on the plastic lens.that maybe they represent eternal light and darkness, endless anger and joy.and perhaps the naked freedom of discovery that only comes through setting your high school diary to music? Then again, perhaps she really fancies herself as a direct descendent of the Swahili god of Deluded Condescension (meaning to think it’s one thing, but it’s really the opposite)? Please. If this emotional water cooler tries to convince one more grownup she is as deep as the Aegean Sea, I will spend the rest of eternity worshiping to the gods of the “November Rain” video.

Our Lady Peace/The Tea Party (tie)

Talk about comic relief. A lot of you folks may not remember these either of these bands – D-grade alt rock comedy fronted by Jim Carrey lookalike, and almost as funny (Our Lady Peace), and deluded, pretentious baboons, fronted by some guy who thought he was Led Zeppelin trapped inside of Jim Morrison’s body (think Scott Weiland). These are the guys who said of their first album, “Our goal is to make a full length movie video for each of these songs.because the story needs to be told!” Aye carumba. Would write more, but each band was ultimately about as relevant as a bag of Gummy Bears.

Honorable Mentions:

Nellie Furtado

Boy, this newcomer has really leapfrogged over 40 plus years of horrible bands. Whoa Nellie! Move over Grapes Of Wrath and April Wine, here comes trouble!

Bryan Adams

Ahh, Bryan. You had us in the early and mid eighties. We Ran To You hook, line, and sinker. We Needed Somebody, somebody like you. But now.fuck, wouldn’t we all pray for the days of vomit like Everything I do (I Do It For You). 18 Til I Die? I wish it were true (OK, career wise, of course.).


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