Anyone who knows me knows I’m a firm believer in extra-terrestrial life. In a universe of infinite size and (maybe) infinite realities, I find it incredibly narrow-minded to believe that this particular Earth is absolutely unique in its ability to house a hugely diverse living population, from the microscopic bacteria that thrive in extreme environments to the complex and relatively fragile human beings to the beautifully intricate flora above and below the seas. I believe without a doubt that when I stand in my driveway and look up at the stars, there’s at least one other…something…out there looking back at me. But this isn’t really about my worldview.

This is about 20th Century Fox’s latest marketing scheme: broadcasting The Day The Earth Stood Still into deep space via the Deep Space Communications Network in Cape Canaveral, FL. An executive called it a “galactic motion-picture release”; I call it presumptive and a little embarrassing. Now, let me say that I have not yet seen the movie, and I will give it a chance before I say that it’s utter shit and dismiss it entirely. But here’s what some people who have seen it are saying:

“Although there is an admirable attempt to stay true to the higher aspirations of the high-class source material, the new effort is undermined by the need to fashion itself as a crowd-pleasing blockbuster, loaded with exciting special effects.” -Steve Biodrowsky, ESplatter

“The original Day the Earth Stood Still had a paranoid poetry that lifted the audience up even as it warned the world to come together. This one is so dour it just comes off as a scolding.” -Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

“[I]t is all kinds of awful. I’m a fan of the original and I can see that they were going for the same tone but it fell flat. Stilted dialogue, awkward product placement, occasional hand-held camera wobbles (within an otherwise traditionally shot scene), absolutely no humor even attempted and underwhelming model work left me cold. On the plus side, John Cleese was surprising good in a short serious role. It’s his best work since Silverado. And Keanu was inspired casting. If anyone ever looked like human movement, speech and emotion were totally alien concepts, it’s our boy.” -Henrik, Ain’t It Cool News

And lest you think I’m being biased, here’s a quick rundown of all of the titles of the IMDB reviews:

-Mildly entertaining, but never reaches its full potential
-Decently made, but not entirely satisfying and convincing
-Disappointing
-I love the special effects. The plot is nothing and a bit weak.
-You won’t believe how bad it was!!!!
-Why, why, why?
-Awful

Go ahead, scan a few more sites and see that the reviews are pretty much unanimous: it’s not the worst thing ever, but it’s definitely not the best. Now, here’s my point…

If we’re going to shoot something out towards our nearest star in hopes that it might be received by some alien culture, why would we send a halfway-decent film depicting humankind’s blemishes and shortcomings?

Now I’ll go ahead and concede right now that there’s a pretty good chance that Mr. Fox Marketing Exec believes there is zero chance of there being life out there anywhere, let alone some intelligent enough to receive our transmission, and therefore he is just blasting some radiation out into the void and making a few extra bucks in the process. Good for him. But what if he’s wrong? What if there’s a civilization out there with their own deep space radars who have been desperately searching for a sign of aliens, and suddenly they’ve found it! They’ve finally found evidence of an extra-terrestrial culture! But what they’ve found…sure they might be so excited that they’d found anything at all, but if Science Fiction has taught us anything, it is that there’s a pretty good chance that one of the first things they’ll do is use this evidence to assess our threat level. And look, they’ve got a whole war to watch! And wow, these aliens came here already, tried to destroy us, but we, we fought off these foreign attackers with…what? The power of love? Huey Lewis was right all along!

I could also go into a little tirade here about the hundreds of thousands of dollars being wasted on this stunt and all the more important things they could be doing with the DSCN instead of using it like a big ol’ rooftop satellite dish, but I won’t.

And let’s do a little comparison here. In 1977, when they decided to send a golden record into space for alien civilizations to stumble upon, they put scientists in charge of its contents. Carl Sagan, respected author and astronomer, led the team; in addition to things like multi-lingual greetings, drawings of human physiology, and common earth sounds (whales, birds, streetcars), they also included plenty of entertainment. But the list included the likes of Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Stravinsky, Chuck Berry, Louis Armstrong, and Navajo Indians. Blessed is the alien who finds this stuck to his intergalactic windshield. But while one alien might get “Johnny B. Goode” and Beethoven’s Fifth, another could be getting…Keanu and Kathy Bates? Sigh. Now I’m not saying that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to our planet (I know I let the drama get a little out of hand at times), but it’s the intergalactic equivalent of showing up for a first date with your skirt tucked into your tights. Not exactly high on the desired first impression list. Well, dear readers, I’m no Carl Sagan and I won’t be so presumptive as to say I could choose a film that would effectively represent the entire human race to potential alien visitors. But I do have the confidence to tell you that The Day The Earth Stood Still…isn’t it.