So here’s the funny thing . . . I had originally been thinking about this as a rant against parents who take their snot nose brats out to public places and let them run loose, paying absolutely no attention to how fucking annoying the wee little darlin’s are being, or to how annoyed the rest of us are by their sweet little bundles of broken condom.

But life has a way of smacking you in the face and changing your moods . . . and mine changed today. Because sometimes those brats do the darndest things that make you laugh out loud, and the parent’s total and complete obliviousness just makes it that much better.

lady lascivious and I were at the local “quasi-gourmet” grocery store getting some food for a little soirée we’re having tonight. The front of the store is literally jam-packed (well, I guess not literally, since there was no jam in sight, but you get the point) with decorative punkins and squash, and there was a nice little mixture of hippie types and yuppie scum browsing. This one cute little yuppie family was oohing and aaahing over the different squashes, when one of the little girls, maybe about 9 years old, picks up a giant butternut squash that she has fallen in love with. This thing was at least 4 inches in diameter at the shaft, and maybe a little over 2 foot long, and it couldn’t have looked any more phallic if I had made the damn thing up. Now, that in itself isn’t that funny, unless you’re a pervert, and then it still isn’t funny, but whatever . . . what gets me laughing is that she keeps trying to get her parents’ attention, and they, of course, are completely ignoring her (cause that’s what good parents do when their children are out in public, right?). So as she keeps trying harder and harder to get them to pay attention, she’s carrying this large phallic squash in her arms, stroking it and saying how much she loves it, they are oblivious, and myself and a few others are laughing our asses off! Then, she starts kissing it!

I wish I could have gotten a picture, but thankfully someone has better judgement than I do and pointed out that a) taking pictures of other people’s children is a little creepy, b) taking pictures of stranger’s children is a good way to get questioned by the police, and c) taking pictures of stranger’s children cradling large phallic objects is a good way to get sent to prison. But DAMN it was funny.

So thank you, evil yuppie scum, for taking your bundles of joy out into the big wide world and letting them run wild whilst you pay less attention to them than you do your other designer accessories, because if someone else’s kid did that it might be funny, but when your precocious little tax deductions do it, it’s fuckin’ hilarious!