Do you remember way back in the day, back when video games needed quarters and you had a set number of “lives”? Back when video games were played in an arcade with glorious 12 bit graphics?

For the home schooled, this would be before Pac-Man was on your parents cell phone. Before games were in color, for that matter.

Anyway, there was this little game called Asteroids. Pretty simple concept, you’re a psychopathic wedge that needs to destroy all of the rocks in space. For this genocidal war, you are armed with a single “pew-pew” gun. The more you shoot the rocks, the more rocks there are to shoot. Occasionally an alien UFO/Saucer would try to sneak through, and you could shoot that too.

It’s what’s called a classic.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, Abraxas, it’s funny. But the game in the title, Ikaroids is a lot like the old game you’re talking about, Asteroids. Weird, huh?”

No, not really. That’s because Ikaroids is a lot like Astaroids. Except Ikaroids is in color, played on an Xbox 360, and you get a ton more weapons than the “pew-pew” gun.

For clarity, you’re still a deranged space wedge out to destroy everything moving- rock or otherwise.

Ikaroids is a download available through the Xbox Live Arcade. It’s produced by an indie developer group out of England, Iron Star Media. Ikaroids is a “two stick shooter”, meaning that one stick controls the direction of the ship, and the other stick directs the endless stream of violence.

I know what you’re thinking now, “Abraxas, the game’s name is Ikaroids and that sounds a lot like hemorrhoid, but you haven’t busted one hemorrhoid joke. What gives?”

All I can say is, “Wait for it.”

Back to the game.

Iron Star has taken the bold leap in design by adding a story to the rock-hating space wedge. Although, if you’re looking for a dynamically told story with deeper levels of meaning, keep looking, the story in Ikaroids is just a thin excuse to blow stuff up with a lot of different space guns. Seriously, this is the extent of the story- “Oh, no! There’s trouble at the mill! You better fly over there and blow stuff up! Prepare for jump!”

Well, they really don’t say “Trouble at the mill,” but damn, they may as well to that. Seriously, a Mii pops up and tells you there’s a problem somewhere else, and to prepare for jump. Which, brings up a point. When a character in a game tells me to prepare for a jump, I expect a jump graphic of some kind. NOT a simple cut to the next game board. No, really, give me a warp shot for a loading screen. I don’t care, just something to suggest travel. Seriously.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Abraxas, this sounds a lot like Geometry Wars.” And, you’re right! It is a lot like Geometry Wars, but Ikaroids won’t send your cousin into epileptic fits when you play it. Which isn’t to say that Ikaroids doesn’t try to crunch the graphics on its own. The game play is frantic and very busy on screen, with streams of bullets, doughnuts or whatever it is you’re supposed to be shooting, asteroids, and enemy ships (with their own gun vomit). Often in the spray of my guns and the enemy’s weapons, along with the tumbling asteroids I lost track of where I was on screen and ran into something. I get this is part of the challenge of the game, but it gets kind of ridiculous after a few levels.

Ikaroids also “limits” the number of times you can play a game with the use of lives. Which, frankly, is a bit silly in this day. The lives system was created as a way to get players to spend more money on the game, but with the arcades dead and gone and all gaming is done at home the lives system is archaic and, to be honest, limiting. Sure, I get that it’s a nod to the game’s roots in the arcade shooter, but I found it far more annoying than charming or nostalgic.

The one big point of difference between Ikaroids and the other clones is that some of the boss-class enemies can interact with the asteroids and use them against you. Meaning that the guy hanging out in space with the giant hands can snatch up floating rocks and throw them at your head. Which is a nice feature, really.

Overall, there isn’t a lot to Ikaroids, or any these kinds of games, which is why there are so many of them. Ikaroids, like Geometry Wars and all the other games like it are really Asteroids being repackaged again and again and again. There’s even a zombie version out there.

Ikaroids does offer (relatively) quick entry into gameplay, simple controls, a weak-sauce story, guns, and a lot of explosions. It’s also dual screen, so your room-mate can play along.

In my Un-Humble Opinion©, all I can say about Ikaroids is…there’s a cream for that.

What? I though it was funny. Okay, okay, okay, here is some footage of Ikaroids game play.