If by this time you are not familiar with the cast of homestarrunner.com then I hate to break it to you, but you haven’t been cool for the better part of a decade. I don’t mean like Fonzy cool, I mean like 21st century cool. Sorry.

Anyway.

The HSR site has built a steady and loyal audience by using satire and self-parody along with pop culture references to the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. The titular character for the site is Homestar Runner. However, the real star of the show is Strong Bad.

Yes, that is a luchador mask and those are boxing gloves. No, I don’t know how he types with them on. He just does. And if you haven’t been to the site I recommend you check it out. Well, after you have checked out all the new stuff here on CMDS, anyway.

And, since this is a hot property that makes money one of two things had to happen – either: they were going to make a movie or produce a video game. Without further ado I give you Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People, or SBCG4AP for short. The game is produced by Telltale Games, and has been released over the past year in smaller portions. The one I played was the fourth installment, SBCG4AP Dangeresque 3: the Criminal Projective.

Normally I hammer a game for its narrative, or more to the point the lack there of. As the Bard said, the story is the thing. However, with SBCG4AP I won’t be doing that. Well, not much anyway. Not that there aren’t some issues with the story, there are, but because it is evident that they took their time in crafting a multi-layered narrative capable of delivering a story to those familiar with the source material, Noir films, or someone that had no idea who the hell Coach Z was, or what happens to the sidekick in a Noir tale. And, to say it for the kids who sat at the back of the class – it’s funny.

But, 1985 just called, and it wants its game format back.

SBCG4AP is a point and click game. You probably don’t remember what that was, but back in the 80’s it was the format. Your character could enter a room, and you could click on various things (pre-selected things only, mind you, no willy nilly clicking here, pal). Now, some of these items you might use right now or, as was more likely you would have to use an item you already had in conjunction with something in the room. As the genre ground on, the more and more obtuse and arcane these designs became. But I am getting off track. You go around, clicking on things to see if they are the thing you’re supposed to use for that room. Or not.

Yeah, it’s as fun as it sounds.

Seriously, I can only handle clicking through the entire inventory so many times before I want to claw my eyes out from sheer boredom. There’s a reason this format died out over two decades ago.

I get the joke, Strong Bad is stuck in the late 80’s. I get that the game, on a meta scale, is part of that joke. But, damn, does it have to go on and on and on and on? I can only hear the same snappy line about how this or that item isn’t what they want you to use so many times before I want to pull my fingernails out with a pair of pliers.

Sure it’s great that there is a 3d environment to walk around in, but seriously do I have to? In an effort to stop myself from pounding nails into my skull I put on my Luchador mask and started doing Strong Bad imitations. *assumes best Strong Bad voice* “Okay, I am gonna walk over here now. And it’s gonna be cool, and have lasers with super armor shielding and maybe have battle damage! No! I was wrong, I just thought might be cool or interesting. It is just a stoopid thing for Marzipan. Bored now!”

And, during one stroll and click I actually minimized the game and checked out all the latest video’s and emails on the HRS site itself. Do you have any idea how hard this is do to in boxing gloves, do you?!?

It may have escaped you, but point and clicks annoy the piss out of me. They did then and it’s worse now. What galls me the most is that there isn’t even the illusion that I can play this game in the way I want to play. Using a specific item at a certain point of the game is a fundamental trope in game design but games today give the illusion you could those items at any time. Maniac Mansion, quite possibly the greatest Point and Click game ever, managed to give a sense of this illusion of free play and that game came out in the early 80’s! But not this one, I must use the objects in a precise manner, and not even really using them just clicking on them while in the right place on the right board to unleash an action the character can’t normally do.

And, really, that is my beef with this game- the design document. Normally a game really fails in its narrative, but SBCG4AP does take advantage of its conceit to deliver a satire of not only itself but of popular culture and Noir films as well. It’s supposed to be a home-made movie, and the POV of the game even shifts around randomly as if it were a hand-held camcorder. That’s attention to detail. That’s craftsmanship. However, the deliberately archaic design of SBCG4AP is really a hindrance in delivering that narrative. So much time is spent on clicking and waiting for the character to move or react to the click the satirical nature of the narrative is lost and is reduced to a series of gags.

So, if you love the cast of Homestar Runner, you’ll like it. They’re all there, doing a good job with their usual shtick. You’ll just have to click on the right thing on the right board. If you still have no idea what I’m talking about, time to shed the burden of being not-cool and find out that what we’ve all be laughing at for the better part of a decade wasn’t you. And, at $9 a pop the series can be fun. It’s point and click fun, mind you, so willy nilly for you.