For this week in the Monkey Cave I pulled the assignment to play Section 8. It’s a fps game of the far-future when the United States becomes an Imperium and invades planets. Or something.

It’s not really clear why you’re who you are and what you’re doing. You’re a Space Marine that likes to jump from low orbit, I get that much. But that’s it. There’s a tutorial, but I lost my patience with it when one of the support characters called the squad leader Sarge.

No, seriously. You don’t know this about your ol’ Uncle Abraxas kids, but he served in the US Army. If there’s two things he learned it was how to kill a man with a potato chip, and to never, ever, call a sergeant Sarge.

Because sarge is scum floating in the ocean that plankton feeds on, and do you want to compare the man who has the power of life and death over you to ocean scum to his face?

Yeah, I didn’t think it was a great idea either.

I actually stopped playing when the game said I had to deploy a turret to proceed to the next step, except I didn’t have a turret. It wasn’t clear where to get one, and didn’t have any idea how to deploy it if I ever did find one. The tutorial in Section 8 is an example of what not to do.

Part of how the game relays information to the player is through a tactical computer. Like every FPS Space Marine game put out since HALO the computer has a name. Mother. What do you think a computer with a female voice that is named Mother should sound like? Do you think she should sound like a 16-year old bimbo from California that’s more concerned about a trip to the mall with Tracy next week, and ohmygod did you see that cute top at the Gap? Wouldn’t I look so good in that? Seriously, that Trevor in science class is so cute, but I think he’s gay. Ohmygod! I totally saw him talking to that other guy from the drama department, the one with the hair like that guy from that one old band your mom likes, yeah, the Cure. Yeah. OMG, I totally didn’t think a tactical computer should sound like an annoying teen either.

But there it is.

As I played through the tutorial, I found several things out: the “story” got worse, the maps were highly restrictive, and I was being haunted by a feeling of familiarity, as if I had played this game before, once long ago.

The conceit of the game is that you’re a Space Marine invading some selfish bastards that have either split from the Imperium, haven’t joined the Imperium yet, or were sitting on top of natural resources the Imperium needed more than the previously mentioned selfish bastards.

Who just happened to have the same power suits as you, just slightly recolored.

Which makes me think Warhammer 40k rip-off but maybe I’m wrong. I mean, just because the Space Marines in Section 8 are power-armored bad-ass killers that serve a faceless emperor doesn’t mean they’re rip-offs of the Games Workshops Warhammer 40k Space Marines power-armored bad-ass killers that serve a faceless emperor.

Seriously, who cares? They’re super-armored space marines that jump from low orbit. They’re bland, emotionless characters that occupy a bland and uninteresting gamescape.

You know, I get that the game is really meant for 16 on 16 multi-player action and the story is meant to be just a framing reference; but if you’re going to put in a framing reference, don’t bring the weak sauce.

This game desperately wants to be the next Halo or Gears of War. Where it fails miserably is the world it creates. Both Halo and Gears, for all their short comings, have struck a cord with players by creating a dynamic and engaging world. Players want to stay in that world, to be a part of it, and so they play the on-line multi-player. Section 8 completely fails in this department. None of the characters are interesting, dynamic, or for that matter memorable.

Section 8 in the story department is a bit like making a Reuben sandwich from turkey, potato salad, cheez wiz, and wonder bread. Not just flat out wrong, but a sloppy mess from the beginning and may end in vomit.

And, speaking of a sloppy mess- the actual boards.

The tutorial runs around the same board, constantly expanding the area you interact with. Which is a nice idea, it’s too bad Section 8 gets it wrong here too. You are given objectives and goals to assault, but you’re not allowed to assault it any which way you want.

For example: you are given the job of taking out the anti-aircraft cannon. You jump from orbit, and instead of landing on their heads, like I wanted to, you’re forced to land off to the side. Then you’re not allowed to go after what is clearly the weak points in their defenses by invisible walls and forced respawns but instead you must run across the bridge in an ill-advised suicide rush to take out their guns.

That gets a serious WTF!?! from me. Don’t tell me this is a tactical first person shooter and then force me to play the game a certain way.

Actually, the suicide rush leads me to the one thing Section 8 did new and interesting- respawing after a game death. In First Person Shooters, when you get whacked you have to restart the map from a particular point- or respawn. In Section 8, you start in low orbit and drop down to the game map. Once you’re within a certain distance, you can apply the airbrakes- no, I don’t get how airbrakes work either- to direct where you’ll re-appear on the map.

Which is handy for a quick flank attack, if you and some mates drop in at the same time.

Aside from that, Section 8 is doing nothing new or interesting. The controls were simple enough- this button shoots, that button throws, other button switches weapons, this stick runs and the other stick looks. The other button brings up the map, and the last button fires off the rocket jump assist backpack.

To be honest, the whole time I was playing Section 8 I was struck by a sense of deja vu, and as I used the rocket assist jump to take up a nice sniping position on a tower it hit me- this game is almost exactly like Tribes!

And by almost exactly I mean pretty damn close but just enough difference to avoid a lawsuit. Powersuits, Human Empire that spans the stars, outdoor style maps, rocket jump backpacks, supply points, limited weapon selection, built around the idea of large teams battling it out.

It’s all there.

The problem is that the Tribes series started over 10 years ago, did it better, and people are playing for free to this day. Section 8 didn’t, isn’t, and costs money.