Back in the day, Punch Out was a tough game. Different fighters had different fighting styles, and it was a lot of fun. Sure, sure, it was really just pressing duck, block, and punch at the right times because there wasn’t any movement to be had in the game. At all. You just stood there and took your punches like a palooka. But, hey, it was back in the day, so who cared?

Now, you’re thinking, “Hey, Abraxas, what the hell does some old school button masher have to do with the wii?”

Well, they brought Punch Out to the Wii. Now, I know you’re excited as I was to hear that. I mean, Wii Boxing is great! You can throw punch combos, you can move left, right, back or forward. You can work different parts of your opponents body, you can move them around the ring. You can duck under punches or lean away from them. Lots of strategy involved in punching a guy into unconsciousness.

It’s great fun!

Now, when I heard the game was coming to the Wii I imagined the conversation at the developers meeting went something like this:

Lead Developer: Okay, now, as you all know the Wii is one of greatest selling console’s of all time. I think it’s due to its revolutionary control system- the Wii-mote. Gentlemen, you have all played Wii Sports, and I think you will be with me in amazement when I tell you my plan: we will bring back Punch Out, and we will do it for the Wii!

Developer 2: Genius!

Developer 3: Brilliant!

Developer 2: Can I start coding now? I want to start coding right now!

Developer 3: We should watch all the great boxing matches and fighters so we can incorporate their moves into the game!

Lead Developer: Punch Out will be to Wii boxing what Tiger Woods Golf was to Wii Golf- serious awesomeness. This will be the seminal work of my life!

What? Tiger Woods Golf on the Wii is a lot of fun. Anyway, that’s how I imagined the first meeting to bring back Punch Out. A team of dedicated professionals doing their best to not only update a game, but use a dynamic new control structure to take that game to a whole new level.

Instead, this is the conversation I believe actually happened over text message:

Pampered Jerk: ZOMG! I jst fund a ROM hack of ur dads game. lol!

Entitled Idiot: ROFLMAO! Wtf?

Pampered Jerk: Srisly! Gren guy 4 teh win!11!!

Entitled Idiot: DEGT. OMG, he won’t shut up abut dat game.

Pampered Jerk: We shuld mak dis 4 da wii. I bet ur dad wuld pay 4 it.

Entitled Idiot: I looked gehy in those pants.

Entitled Idiot: Sry. m/t.

That’s the only way I can explain what happened. Punch Out for the Wii is only significantly different from the original game in two ways: that it is on the Wii and not the NES, and has better graphics.

At first playing this game is a lot of nostalgic fun. All the old guys are there, Glass Joe, King Hippo, and all that mess. It’s fun remembering how to handle each of the old fighters and learning how to work the new addition.

For about 20 minutes.

And then you come to the realization that you are playing the same game with updated anime style graphics. And, by playing the same game I mean you are playing the same game. You are rooted in one spot. You can duck. You can block. You can duck left or right. You can throw a high left punch. Or a low left punch. Or a high right punch. Or a low right punch.

That’s it.

Exactly like the old game released back in 1984.

Less than Random Fact: Punch Out was originally released as an arcade booth game in 1984, not the 1987 Mike Tyson licensed NES game most players are familiar with.

In both cases it’s been over 20 years. We have gone through 6 generations of gaming consoles. The Wii can out compute all of the previous generations combined- and porting in the same damn game is the best you can do?!?

Really?

You’ve had how many years of the Wii being out on the market to develop this game, and the only new thing you could bring to the table was the player character wasn’t a pixelated mess anymore?

Really?

You have the player use the nun-chuck and the balance board but you can’t move the boxer on screen one inch to the left or to the right?

Really? Really?

Wii Boxing, a short little boxing game that shipped with the Wii is better than this crap!

Oh, and those unskippable still-still shot anime style intros for each of the boxers? Lame. Some were just flat out insulting, and I am not even gay, African American, or French!

There’s a multi-player mode, and unsurprisingly it brings the weak sauce. Both players use a re-colored version of the same character. Same high/low moves. Same lame-tastic rooted in place game play.

Frankly, this game is nothing more than a recolored version of a much older game. While they brought together a lot of ideas from the various incarnations of Punch Out these compilations do nothing to innovate or significantly improve the game. It’s the same damn game from 1984.

Bust out your old Nintendo or download a ROM hack of this game if you want to relive the glory days.