I was never part of the Grand Theft Auto cult. Sure, it was a nifty looking game with a sandbox environment that allowed for tons of freedom in player choice and activity but I am an enemy of Sony so I never got the PS-anything and my tastes gravitate more toward first-person shooters so running a dude third person just didn’t sit with me when Quake III and Unreal Tournament were readily available. As this formula became increasingly hard to ignore a few titles did impress me to a high degree like Spider-Man 2. I could do story missions, extra challenges scattered around NYC, collect things, do races or just generally screw with the citizens of my fair city (and I did, too. Relentlessly. Let’s just say I’m not the Spider-Man you want in your burg). Lots of free time got sucked down the drain with that one. Then came Mercenaries on the X-Box and I was at it again, this time to a shameful degree because I was being paid to destroy things by shady world governments who needed things destroyed. Not only that but I could destroy them in any manner I chose and in any order I chose with a wide variety of weapons and vehicles at my disposal. One could say almost exactly like GTA except a much greater emphasis on destruction, killing and mayhem and no mob theme. My whole life became a mercenary encampment as I built my reputation as the most ruthless paid assassin on the planet. I think you all see where this is going. I have a 360. They have Mercenaries 2. Sooner or later I was bound to get a copy of it. When that happened that is all I would do. I would reclaim my throne as the despicable (yet lovable) destroyer of small countries and lay waste to a whole new generation of innocent bystanders. That day was the day of my Wolverine review, lo those many ages ago. Well, I’m back from the war (kind of) to give a totally biased thumbs up to the best sandbox game I’ve played non-stop since Mercenaries.

Story (Who Cares?): Mercenaries had no real story and why would it? All you need is basic trappings – bad guy did something and someone is coughing up major bank to have it stopped/revenged/flat-out wrecked – and off you go. I have to admit the story had an effect on my gameplay approach this time around, which is unusual for me; I’m a skip all that and figure it out later guy. I want violence. This time I’m a chick (there are three choices of character, all with non-existent special abilities) working for a scumbag in Venezuela and I blow up his crap. I’m waiting to get paid and, not only does this rat do the expected and turn on me but as I leap into the water to make my daring escape the fucker shoots me in the ass! How dare he! Justifiably, my character is pissed off but when you go back to your chick tech buddy (who gives you info during the game and I guess is your partner), she and the two other dudes you didn’t chose (also buddies you see this once) laugh about it! This is a disturbing pattern repeated throughout the rest of the game as almost every relevant character you meet (and a few who aren’t) feels they have to comment on it in a “hey, it’s the merc who got shot in the ass” kind of way. Now I’m pissed off and determined to help my little character drag this prick out by the hair and remorselessly teach him the error of his actions. You take over his old hacienda and recruit a team of experts (a helicopter pilot, mechanic and jet pilot) to assist in your righteous cause and have to work with various factions (Universal Petroleum, Venezuelan rebels, rasta pirates and later the Allied Nations and the Chinese) doing their bidding for cash in order to glean nuggets about the whereabouts of the man who shot you in the ass. Of course, all the factions hate one another so doing favors for one will piss off the others. If you’re good at your job cash is plentiful so don’t be afraid to bribe your way back into their good graces. Otherwise, do whatever you want. What more do you need?

Sound (Who Cares?): When you blow something up it sounds like something blowing up. The guns all go rat-a-tat or bang, the cars and tanks all vroom, the choppers whup. Nothing glaringly bad but nothing that makes you drop your controller and say “this is audio perfection! Now I’m going to cut off my ears because I’ll never hear such clarity and beauty again” either. Perfectly acceptable.

Graphics (7): Some of the areas are bland, bushes are horrible as well as impassable. Some of the character models are repetitive. Draw distance in choppers over long flights is short. Overall, the game is a step ahead of the first and some of the effects, like blowing up an overpass, are outstanding. Smoke, fire and debris fly everywhere. Most of the Venezuelan countryside is lush and the water effects are terrific. It’s definitely the explosions and the mayhem that make you overlook any other basic flaw in the visual design of the game. Well above average.

Gameplay (9): This score has to be high because you can do whatever you want. Wanna capture a High Value Target (HVT) for dough? Done. Wanna blow up a critical target for cash? Done. Want to do a mission for Universal Petroleum for large green? Done. Wanna drive around Venezuela looking for things to blindly shoot at and make go boom? Done. You’re only limited by your vicious mind. The controller is set up like a first person shooter, which is handy, and the map is huge. It gets even bigger when the Chinese and Allies enter the picture, all with more things for you to do. Ok, most everything to “do” is a variation of the above tasks but you’re earning money with which you can buy all kinds of airstrikes, support vehicles and supply drops to assist your divine mission. There is also still the overriding desire of vengeance for the gluteal betrayal which I admit both my character and I want with equal verve and single-minded determination. Did I mention you can destroy everything in the game? Blow it all to hell! Some critics may feel that the repetitive nature of the missions detracts from the game but since, in my humble opinion, the game is wholly about killing and blowing everything up those critics can go fuck themselves. If I know you (and I do) your time will evaporate quicker than Draino from a brown paper bag.

Replayability (Depends): And it really does. Since you can do anything at any time it really amounts to what you left yourself to do. Each faction has a variety of things they want you to do, like racing. The quest to stop the ass-mockery was far more important to me than any race so I left those (mostly) alone so it basically comes down to what you wanted to do while taking your revenge. I did the majority of stuff but there’s still things to find and odd things to accomplish that I can see myself knocking out in the days to come so I’d say the replay factor is pretty high.

Overall (Outstanding): This is the only game to make me a bad host. I pride myself on being a gregarious entertainer yet this last week when The Magnificent One and Lady L came for a visit the household at the time was completely absorbed in the Mercenaries 2 action and I shamefully ignored my duties. If this thing is good enough to make me slight two people I admire and respect then it’s good enough for you. It will capture your attention for far longer than you want it to, which is unusual itself in our $60/10 hour game culture, and be a great deal of fun to boot. Get your hands on Mercenaries 2. Highly Recommended.