So, if for some reason you are not familiar with the dynasty of games from Koei called Dynasty Warriors this means you have two things: 1) a life and 2) thumbs. Now, thumbs may sound like an odd qualifier, but that just means you’ve never played a Dynasty Warriors game.

Because it’s Press X constantly. Through the whole thing. Not just this version of the game, but any Dynasty Warriors game. And that would wear the thumbs off any normal person.

For the home schooled: in 1997 Koei games released the first Dynasty Warriors, a strategic fighting game. Now, to use the word strategic to describe a Dynasty Warriors game is a bit like calling your mom hot. I suppose somebody thinks she’s a looker, but….I’d have to drink a lot of beer to say that. A lot of beer. At last count there were 6 regular Dynasty Warrior games, with versions 3 through 5 having Xtreme Legend spin-offs (total count: 9), Empires version for 4 through 6 (total count: 12), a Gameboy version (13), a DS version(14), and 3 PSP games for a grand total of 17 “different” Dynasty Warrior games. Not including the Majong version, the Gundam version, or the “Samurai Warrior” versions.

The strategy for the entire span of Dynasty Warriors games can be summed up like this: run at those guys over there. Press X until they’re all dead. Repeat for the next closest group to the flashing spot on the map. Do not stop until all enemies on the map are dead.

And, that has not changed for over a decade. Each and every Dynasty Warriors game is exactly the same: a fiction recreation of the wars that plagued China during the 2nd and 3rd centuries (I am sure you remember, it’s the end of the Han era that brought about the dissolution of the Three Kingdoms and was the inspiration for one of the 4 great classical novels of Chinese literature, Romance of the Three Kingdoms) where you press X until everything is dead. Or you are.

The only thing that changes is the number of characters added to the story, their ridiculous weapons (seriously, one guy has giant bear-claw hands in one version, I am not joking), and how you unlock their various “powers”. ‘Cause, let’s face it, it’s not a video fighting game if the characters don’t have magical powers.

So, having this unbroken tradition of sameness, I have decided to try something new with Dynasty Warriors 6: Empires. I will watch the official trailer, review the game, and THEN play it.

Here goes.

Okay, it looks like they have expanded the ability to create a unique character into the game, that is good. But, from the looks of the Han equipment it’s during the same era. At 29 seconds there is the old gang: Liu Bei, Ma Chou, and all the others.

So, yeah, it’s Three Kingdoms. AGAIN.

At 34 seconds the combat begins and it’s filled with the endless “death cry” of troops as you mow through them like summer grass. That sound gets annoying so quickly, it’ll make you vomit. Seriously, I have yet to play all the way through a Dynasty Warriors map with the sound on.

And, it looks like it’s the same graphics from the PS2 versions, just slightly upgraded. Which by today’s console standards is vastly sub-par. The game environment isn’t interesting or compelling, and the enemy troops look particularly blocky.

I swear the ridiculous “chain hit” counter that is just a rolling wheel with numbers on it. Why is that thing even there? The counter looks like it rolls numbers with no connection to what you’re doing on screen.

True to form, at 38 seconds the laughable dialog with the traditional poor voice acting. “I am a true warrior!” Really? In your extra-fancy armor and that way to large to not be compensating for something sword, you’re a true warrior?

Of course, immediately following is the goofy “mystical” powers that kill enemy troops even faster. Which, I am sure, is even more strategic than the last Dynasty Warriors game.

At 58 seconds we have our goofy weapon wielder on the left side of the screen. He looks like a real winner. Yes, that is a Doric column he is using as his weapon of choice. Let’s see how this goes. Yep, that’s his special weapon/attack thing. Wow. Somehow that’s even lamer than the bear claws or the guy with a rock on the end of a stick.

Okay. I’ve seen enough. I don’t need to see the end

The combat, and I use that word lightly, will be the same as it ever was; press X to kill all the pointless troops standing around staring at you. Then run to the next group. Some stages you’ll have to run to certain areas of the map first, but in others you can run around willy-nilly.

I suspect that this time around Koei will add something do the game in the form of powers or adding a new standard attack for the characters. Maybe this time you can choose what powers a character gets instead of unlocking only a specific set of powers. Which would be nice if Koei actually added something to their flagship game other than new box art.

Okay. Now I am going to go play the game.

I was right. Funnily enough, the guy with the column is Meng Ho, the guy with the bear claws from the other games. Yeah, it got lamer.

It’s the same thing. Again.

Koei, seriously, you need to develop a new game. Stop endlessly retreading the same game over and over and over and over and over again. Okay, sure back in 1997 it was neat to play through a pivotal time in China’s history, but it lost what little shine it had about game 3. This is worse than having to sit through a bad sports movie where the old-timer athlete is out for one more shot at glory, and that’s because people have to pay more to play this game than they would to watch a bad movie. And, it takes more time. Typically there are over 40 different playable characters in a Dynasty Warriors game, and having the ability to upload custom characters does not promise to cut the story short.

If you’re any sort of sane person, you have not purchased this game. If you are a crazy person that likes paying for the same game year after year with vaguely upgraded graphics or maybe one new feature, then you have likely already purchased this game.